2019-03-12 journal three

I loathe these nights…. Severe panic and anxiety creeps in and I spin out of control . My thoughts spiral, and I can’t control them. Because I’m not in control.  I can’t breathe, I’ve thrown up the little I’ve eaten today.  I can’t tie myself up, and I can’t get it dark so I can’t force organization of my thoughts.  I can’t handle the quiet. I can’t…  I’m not strong enough. Quiet means the end, it always does. And I know you are cringing reading this right now but I’ve gone down the rabbit hole. I can’t think, I’ve lost all rational ability right now. I have stayed here. I haven’t cut, I haven’t drank, I haven’t downloaded apps. I haven’t talked to anyone. I’ve sat here in silence and list to our Playlist and just states into nothingness.  I’m mentally destroyed, I don’t know what to do when all I want to do is curl up into your lap and to know everything will be okay.  To truly know.  To feel you with me again.  I just want us to be together like we wanted, like we planned. Like we were before.  I want to feel you want me like you did before.  Desperate?  Yes, I am, to save us.  To save what saved me and what saves you too.  We knew it would be hard this way, but the more time we spend apart the more we rip each other apart.  It’s always been this way.  To survive we have to be together, and it’s becoming more and more impossible. And I just miss you so damn much.  I miss us.  I miss waking to your beautiful words. To a surprise video.  To feeling needed and wanted…  Where is my Daddy?? “please bring him back to. Me…. I miss him. So. Extremely much I physically hurt.  I love you beyond words.

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