Journey #15 Curiosity

Journey #15 Curiosity

 

Essence:

A genuine desire to learn and grow is a quality that should be carefully nurtured.  Feed your curiosity, but trim it back when it starts to overwhelm you.

I do have a very intense desire to grow and learn right now.  I am like a sponge gathering up all I can soak in.  However like a sponge I do get too full from time to time and everything I have built up inside spills over.  I love learning, I love pushing my limits and boundaries.  I am so curious as to what I can handle mentally and physically.  There are so many things out there I didn’t even know existed.  So many options that I didn’t even know about.  So many feelings I didn’t even think that were even there before Daddy.  The more I get the more I want.

I keep finding ways to improve myself, to fix my flaws.  I keep working on myself trying to perfect myself.  I know that no one is perfect.  What I mean is fix the things that I see as big imperfections.  Things like impulse control.  By Daddy taking control and teaching me orgasm control, making me ask permission for things such as the bathroom, purchases, holding me accountable that helps me fix my impulse control issues a little at a time.  By Daddy taking control and not making me make so many choices that helps me with overthinking and over analyzing things.

Honestly, I didn’t realize any of this until this very moment. Now I know why it has been so important to me that we spend more time together.  When we are together more, Daddy has more daily control.  When Daddy has more daily control I think less and go with the flow more.  When my standard is in place, I don’t have things to think about, and I have less choices to make I feel less overwhelmed.  This leaves me more room to just feed my natural curiosities, rather than fill my head with over analyzing nonsenses stuff.

I don’t think I know how to trim it back myself on my own when I get overwhelmed.  I think that’s where I absolutely need Daddy to step in and say “Hey Princess, I see that you are over thinking, over analyzing, and I think you may be overwhelmed right now with emotions.  Let’s see  what’s happening shall we??”  and Daddy needs to shut me down.  Kind of like when I’m super sleepy and I need sleep but I fight it and Daddy makes me go to bed.  It’s the same thing.  Now that I look back at it, many of our fights start from me being overwhelmed and overthinking and overanalyzing.  I have such a natural curiosity for life, learning, and knowing all that I can.  I wasted so much of my life before, I don’t want to waste another minute.  Not another lesson. Not another opportunity.  I just need help self-regulating, and learning when to shut myself down to re-boot.  I need to be better about knowing when to ask for help and how to ask for that help.  I am so grateful for these journey’s, without them, I never would have realized this!

 

 

 

 

 

Thought #1:

Every task you perform for your owner frees up his time to do something else.  It is important for you to understand what your Owner is doing with that time since you are, in effect, assisting in those efforts.  This is just one reason why it is important for an Owner and his submissive to have  similar ethical values. 

I completely agree on this.  Daddy often tells me that we are equals, just different roles.  We are one, we are partners, we work together as a well-oiled machine.  When one part of that machine goes down the other part doesn’t work so well.  Daddy and I essentially have the same morals and values.  He is more structured and I am more free spirited.  However at our core, we believe in the same things.  We both chose fields in human services, we both care about others more than ourselves (which can be a real problem sometimes), and we are both deeply spiritual.  We believe in many of the same things, but we are different in many ways as well and we balance each other beautifully.

As a submissive I take immense pride in serving Daddy and performing tasks for him.  I enjoy helping him to free up his time, to make his life easier, happier, and more comfortable.  Living separately it makes it a bit tricky, so I appreciate it when he tells me what he is doing, when he checks in.  Even if it’s just a quick “Sticking my phone on charge, going to take a nap, going to eat, spending time with kids, I’m irritated at you right now I’m taking a short break, etc..” It doesn’t just drive me insane when I don’t hear from Daddy, it worries me.  Things have happened in his house with someone and it has absolutely terrified me that I’m not there to make sure he is safe.  Daddy used to be very good about checking in every time he was out of communication for whatever reason.  It was never more than an hour unless specified without some form of communication.  Without knowing what was going on with the other.  This has been since Christmas really that I haven’t had that constant communication.  It worries me and scares me.  Not that he’s doing something he shouldn’t, I have full and complete trust in him.  I just worry when I’m not there to make sure he is okay.

I take my role as Daddy’s submissive very seriously.  I’m not just his submissive, I am his fiancé.  His partner in life, and his needs are my needs and vice versa.  Together we are one and I will do anything I can to help him with anything.  I take a genuine interest in what he does, the things he loves, his interests, his goals and dreams.  We have many shared interests, goals and dreams.  I just want to help Daddy in any way I can and know where he is and what he is doing with his time.  It’s very simple to keep a Princess happy… :o)

 

Thought #2

It is Impossible to be completely honest with someone else unless you are honest with yourself first.

I completely agree and this has been a tough lesson for me to learn.  My whole life for the most part was a lie.  With the exception of my grandparents.  They always wanted me, always let me know that and always let me know just how much I was loved.  They were always honest with me, always.  The rest of the people in my life weren’t.  My father pretended to love me and care about me.  When I was a little older I heard phrases like “Why can’t you be more like your aunt?”,  “You are such a disappointment.”,  “Why are you the way you are?”. “You know I only stayed with your mom because I was obligated to because of you.”,  “You are the reason I couldn’t make my dreams come true.”, and my favorite, when he was walking me down the aisle to apparently marry a man just like him and I was begging for a shred of a father daughter moment, to be Daddy’s little girl once…. I asked him “So do you have any last minute fatherly advice for me?” he snarls, “Yeah, don’t embarrass me.”  Wow , okay that’s just great.  He was always like this, but I never knew.  I thought he loved and adored me.  Why??  Because my mom made me believe that.  She was the proxy for them both.  She never for one second let me think that I wasn’t the apple of his eye, that I wasn’t his pride and joy.  She always made me believe that I was front and center in both of their worlds.  It wasn’t until later that I started realizing that it was all about her.

I should have realized it when she took what was supposed to be my wedding and turned it into her dream wedding.  I should have realized it when she took over all of my birthday parties ever and made them what she wanted and invited the kids she wanted.  When I started my divorce process, she was mad at me because I left my abuser because I didn’t think about how this would affect her.  I realized after being in therapy that I had done the same thing to my daughter.  I had allowed her to think her Daddy was front and center in her life, and that he had always wanted her. I promised her when we adopted her that I would always bring her joy and happiness, and I would make sure she always knew that she was wanted, needed, and loved.  I ignored the fact that he didn’t want her.  Hell, I ignored the fact that he didn’t really want me. I was a prize to him.  I wasn’t what he wanted.  He didn’t really want me.  He didn’t really love me.  He didn’t even really know me, or understand me or appreciate me.  He only wanted to possess me.  Not in the way that Daddy owns me and protects me and keeps me safe.

So this question hit me like a ton of bricks.  I realized I had been lying to myself my whole life.  Had a loving family, had a great marriage and knew who I was and what I wanted.   I didn’t know any of that.  Not one shred until I met Daddy and he helped me to open my eyes and see who I really was.  He helped me to see it by being honest with me and giving me someone to trust.  I can fully trust him to take care of me, to not hurt me, to be completely transparent and honest.  Even if the truth sucks, it’s still the truth.  If people are honest with me, I feel like I can give that out.  I can be honest back.  I can be honest with myself if people can be honest with me.  I don’t have to hide with Daddy.  I can be who I am, and he love me for it or in spite of it.  Because I can now be completely honest with myself.  I know who I am and what I want, and I accept that.   Because I have learned to be honest with myself, although I am still continually reminding myself not to slip, I can be honest with others, and I can honestly accept them for who they are.

 

Journey #15 Writing Assignment

Go to the dictionary and find the definition of the word “integrity”.  Pretend you are trying to explain “integrity” to someone who has never heard the word and write your own definition. 

By definition, Integrity means The quality of being honest and having strong moral principles, moral uprightness.  Integrity is about doing the right thing, all the time.  It’s about apologizing when you are wrong.  It’s about giving someone the credit where the credit is due.  It’s about keeping promises that you make.  It’s about giving freely of yourself, and putting others first even when you don’t feel like it.  It’s about thinking about the good of everyone, the whole instead of being selfish.  It’s about not being a jerk in general to others. It’s about knowing you can trust someone, no matter what.  It’s about being true to yourself, being authentic.  Integrity is about accepting the responsibility, being honest with yourself.  It’s just being a good person that people can count on, and again trust.  In simple terms, Integrity is about doing the right thing…. Even when no one is looking.

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