2019-03-12 Journal

I’m glad I’ve had a few days off because I’ve been a damn mess.  With everything I have going on in my life, missing PBJ like crazy.  Her most favorite holiday is coming up, St. patricks day, and I won’t have her here with me to celebrate it.  Usually that damn leprechaun comes and makes all sorts of mischief and mayhem.  I guess it will just have to do it here without her and I’ll have to video it for her.  Maybe I’ll call her late at night when he does it…  She loves to wake me up at 3:00am to tell me I’m sleeping…LOL I miss Daddy the most right now, and I know he cringed reading that.  Its just reality sucks.  We will get through these next few months.  We will. I know we will. I am determined.  We both deserve our happy every after, and when we are together we are so damn incredible.  We are unbeatable, we are on top of the world.  We inspire each other in ways people can only imagine.

I am holding onto that, knowing that we will have that again.  I know we will.  I can’t imagine a world where Daddy no longer writes beautiful words for me.  I can’t imagine a world where we don’t want to make the dreams we’ve dreamt become a reality.  I can’t imagine a world where The Sanctuary doesn’t exist, or late night cemetery dates, or going to the happy place at the dam, or picnics at mosquito park where cottonwood blows around, or passion so strong we both don’t cry every time we part.  I know passion fades, but each day mine grows stronger. Because I envision 7-12-19 down by the lake at sunset, you are there.  I’m walking down a candlelit aisle, our friends and family looking on as they are confused as to why I have one broken stupid orchid in my bouquet of perfect wildflowers.  There are beautiful words, ceremony, some that makes sense to only us. We walk back down the aisle and you sweep me up and put me right into Black Beauty.   Where exactly one year before you had to lift me out sobbing and trembling to promises that this day would happen,

I hold this thought close, as if it were a treasured memory, because it keeps me going. It keeps me focused that I am forever your perfect princess bride that once promised to annoy you forever by a rusty old farm fence up north in the middle of nowhere.  And you my love are always my never-ending story, my north star, and you keep me centered.  Take my hand and pull me in tight, and remember what we have fought so damn hard for. I love you forever, I promise that I won’t give up on me.  I won’t give up on you, and I won’t give up on us.  Mr. Daddy Pumpkin Butt….  I’m gonna marry you…. in 121 days….

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