2019-03-11 journal

Thank God for paid bereavement time, because today I was mentally and physically drained.  I was a mess, crying off and on. I’m not sure how I will go on without my grandma.  She was my strength, and I took for granted that she would just always be here.  I feel so alone  I’ve never not had family before.  Even just family pretending to be there.  I am getting used to this new normal.  Yes, it was my choice to distance myself, because they don’t give a crap.  I’m just someone they have to deal with.

The more time goes on, all I need is just to curl up in Daddy’s lap with my paci and a soft blankie while he strokes my hair and kisses my forehead and let’s me cry and says “it’s okay Princess, Daddy’s here, I got you, you’re safe, and I want you and need you….”  just needing hardcore Daddy time and validation right now. Life just sometimes sucks, and sometimes the only thing that can make things better is Daddy.

I have been finding myself full of anxiety  just thinking about FH, if he’s going to fight me, when he will let go, when our daughter will be able to come home, when will my life have some sort of normalcy.  I’m trying to bring it to normal. I’m hanging in.  As I tell my residents, use your coping skills. I’m trying to use mine.  Because I know that this is all very temporary  We are nearing the end of it, and our big payoff is coming soon.  Very soon.  122 days…..  Our forever, our happy. .. When we can finally put each other first, and put our relationship out there for the world to see how happy we are.  122 days, just 122 days.  Four months from today I’ll be in that pretty soft pink dress, down by the lake lit up by candles and I will become your perfect submissive princess bride forever, and you will continue to be my never ending story.

You give me hope, you give me a reason.  You are my forever.

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