2019-03-10 journal one

I know it’s been awhile since I’ve done journal, and I have no excuse.

Daddy, please listen to me, this is for you.  Our fight last night, none of that matters.  All these fights it doesn’t matter. It’s temporary.  You and I know the real us, we are here.  But we both have to fight to keep that alive.  We both have to not give up on us.  You fought two hours on your knees once for me to bring me through the depths of hell.  I’m there again and I need you.  I need mosquito park, the dam, the cemetery, 131, video chats, waking up to your beautiful words…. We have four months left, four and we have both been losing steam.  It’s hard, and we both feel our own guilt and we have been avoiding it hoping it goes away.  No more.  Grab my hand and let’s face all of this head on together. It doesn’t matter if you think I know something  it’s important that I hear it. I need to hear that I’m not alone. I know I’m not but that’s how it feels sometimes.

When we are together  we are amazing, unbelievably incredibly amazing and no one or nothing could tear us apart.  Remember that picnic table where we couldn’t bear to tear ourselves apart from each other?? I still feel like that when I see you.  I am undeniably in love with you.  You have my mind, body, and soul.  I was nothing without you  you gave me life and love and everything in between.  Remember slipping this bracelet on my wrist?? What does it say?  “she believed she could  so she did”.  You believed in me, and I look at this a thousand times a day to get me through, and I remember the look in your eyes   I remember you telling me that you believe in me so much that when I can’t believe in myself  you got me.  We are yin and yang, and we balance each other. We have to find that balance again. We both have to fight through our down times together.

Daddy…. I love you…. I’m going to marry you, in 124 days to be exact, even if it’s at the courthouse, and I’m not giving up on me, I’m not giving up on you  and I sure as hell am not giving up on us.  We have planned a life together  and we will have our life together.  You are my best friend, and you know me better than any other person in this world.  I just want my daddy, I need you and us back. So think about those early days and fight your way back to me. I’ll be here waiting, in the pink dress, down by the lake, holding the bouquet of wildflowers  with little white flowers in my hair.

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