2019- 03-03- journal

I hate going to bed upset. I hate going to bed with no I love you’s and kisses. I hate going to bed with Daddy feeling like I think he’s a monster when I know he’s not.  I know the reality of why he had to cancel, I understand and I get it, I’m not mad about it.  I was upset for a few minutes before I thought it through and fully realized why.  Like I said, he didn’t cancel the wedding. He didn’t stop loving me.  Our only issue is communication and time together   We are both at each other because of these things.  We both need to connect to each other in some way daily if we are to survive until we can be together.

I just miss us. I miss the sweet words, I miss the needing each other every moment.  I miss daddy wanting to talk to me. I miss being his inspiration.  I pass by 131 and I remember the passion and the little things.  Remember when I went in first and I just dumped all my stuff and you came in and sat all your stuff down all organized? I was so worried that I would overwhelm you.   I’m afraid that I do that now.

You asked for raw, real, and to get into my head in these journals.  You said it helps you.  I get why you have the guilty feelings.  I get why you are so torn, stretched and feel like you do.  You have taken on a lot of responsibility.

Please don’t give up on me. Please don’t give up on you, and please don’t give up on us. We are so close to starting to reach our goals.  We have fought through hell. You may be losing some of your fight, but I have been training and I am coming up swinging.  For us, I will fight through fire and hell.  I will go through the worst of the worst over and over, happily.

You are worth it, we are worth it…. I love you forever….



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