2019-03-02 journal

So, today was a crap show of a day…. Started out great… I was sleepy, but no big deal. I was so excited because Daddy was going to take me to try on Wedding dresses this Saturday  and we were going to have our first overnight since… Ummmm…..  October I am pretty sure.  I  was cleaning bathrooms at work and I hear “Princess… You have a very important message!!” so I look and it’s Daddy…. ” I have a problem…. ” Basically he couldn’t go Saturday any longer.  I was trying to be mature about it and I just said okay at first.  Then I was upset and said, our schedule doesn’t synch up until a certain date. Then I said Never mind, I’ll go by myself or take a work friend. Because I was being pouty about it. I had rearranged my off weekend to be with him. And had stayed with my parents to have time with PBJ while I was in town for court.  It was not fun. It plays with me mentally every time I have to be up there.  My father is a narcissist just like FH.  Yeah, I am away from it, and I don’t allow that madness to control my life anymore.

Right now with all this crap I am going through sometimes I feel truly alone.  I know I’m not, just sometimes I feel truly alone in the moment.  I know Daddy is going through his own hell and doesn’t need the extra whiny and clingy and “what about me”  attitude. When we both agreed in the beginning  certain things come first.  I was just being bitchy because I spent two days of mental hell so I could spend 24 hours of perfection in his arms.  I get it, certain things come first. But I was upset.  I got over myself and realized that yeah, I’m disappointed  but the thing he needs to do is important.  He’s asking to postpone for 5 days…. Not like he’s asking to postpone the actual wedding.  I guess I will just come in and work instead.  I have a wedding dress to buy, a wedding to pay for, and I’d love to go on a bit of a honeymoon…. Also been thinking I’m probably going to have to finish paying for school with cash.  Would like to own a home sometime in the near future.

Soooo…. Who needs a day off when I could work 12-16 hour shifts a day when I don’t have PBJ here and rake in the overtime…. I can get as much as I want right now.  I’ll have everything paid off before long and who knows maybe be able to build up a good savings account before long as well. I figure that if I’m working I’m staying out of trouble….

I will be a responsible princess and put myself to bed tonight since daddy fell. Asleep before he could give me a bedtime.  131 days….  I can do this….

 

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