2019-02-28 journal

Please forgive me, not sure what is up or down right now, I have been awake since yesterday morning mostly since 6:45 am.  I had a crazy day at work, state inspectors are there, and suddenly we have too many bosses and nor enough staff because now about 8 have quit.  We were way over booked for appointments, equipment failing, staff going rogue, clients having issues, and management not being able to control anything.  Maybe now they will treat staff better?? At least listen to those of us who are with our clients on the daily basis.

So I wasn’t even able to get out on time when I told supervisors I absolutely had to be out on time. About 5:30 they finally let us go. I get home and immediately have to deal with creepy old man landlord.  This dude…. He has no understanding of how a landlord and Tennant relationship should be and he tries to involve himself way too much into my life.  I just can’t deal with him! Long story short, I unleashed my fury on him. And I think he may be a little afraid. Lol

I finally get myself and the puppy loaded up and on the road.  The closer I got the more anxious I got. I stalked, stopping a few times.  The last time I was legit exhausted and overwhelmed   Legit on the edge of a full blown panic attack.  I thought about getting a hotel, but too much.  I get a five hour energy and drink half and perk up about 20 mins later.  Then about 45 minutes from my mother’s I do have a panic attack.  It’s being a visitor in the town that I called home for years.  It’s knowing that even though it was my choice to leave, knowing that FH made it so I wasn’t welcome here at all.  He even turned my family to his side.

I finally get to my mom’s and an up till I’m not sure when.  I finally get sleeping well, when my phone started ringing about 4:00 am.  My supervisors asking if I can come in early. Ummm…. I have court  in Michigan in four hours…. What do you think?? I told you all about this when I hired in. I told you all about this twice a week since.  I made copies of the court documents and gave it to three supervisors and two managers.  It’s falling apart at work…  Hard core…

So, on to court…. Nothing happened except for setting dates for mediation and and trial.  I am praying to God this whole this is over with by may 16, the trial date.  I can’t do this much longer.  I need to be done with the family there and FH except for pick up and drop off.  Sadly he won’t be involved much once PBJ is home here where she belongs with Daddy and I.  He will find it inconvenient  and she will start to see that she was never wanted by him.

The upside is she does has a Dad who does want her.  It kills Daddy that he can’t be with her, that she’s not with us.  Daddy isn’t just a step-dad, or a bonus dad. He is a Dad…. He loves her like she’s always been his.  In the beginning he was very respectful and said he realized he wasn’t her Dad, and would respect FH place in her life.  Now he’s seen the relationship, or not relationship first hand.  It hurts him to see OUR daughter hurting.

I know that we are coming to the light at the end of the tunnel. It is about to get worse before it gets better. I have to step up my game and get my emotions under control.  Right now it is crucial that I take my meds, that I meditate, that I focus on submission (that helps me stay in control and not spiral out) I need discipline, if I step out of line I need to be brought back in line immediately.  I need Ed to be strict with myself, journals, journey, not making excuses and if I do called out on it. Because everything is on the line right now.

I am also taking the trash out. I can’t allow myself to be with and around negative people when their only aim is to bring me down.

As I was leaving my father asked how court went.  So I told him the things that my attorney had said and I told him that he kept calling him a tool.  He just kind of shakes his head and gets his disgusted look on his face.  He says “yeah well at least he’s here and you know this would have been much easier if you didn’t move to another state and leave us all here to take care of her for you”.

I said “I never intended for her to stay here longer than the three weeks of training and to set up a house. he gave me permission to enroll her into Indiana school and then at the last minute changed his mind because that’s what he does. I never wanted her to be here she was supposed to be here be there with me”.

He said  “yeah well this just would have been much easier with you here with her. You know, I see you’re still making more bad choices, just like you always have”.

I said “Really, my life is exponentially better there.  I’m much happier there. I have love there. I have a career there. I have a life there.  I have been able to start my life again with someone who loves me and wants to build a life with PBJ and I”.

He said “Oh yeah, you’re much happier there? Are you happy without your daughter?”

It shouldn’t even surprise me any more that he still says this stuff.  I have never been wanted by him.  He has told me so.  He told. Me Easter Sunday some years ago, before PBJ, beginning years of my marriage that he only stayed with my mother out of obligation because of me. That because I was there he could never leave an unhappy marriage.  I ruined his dreams of being with who he really wanted to be with and doing what he really wanted in his life.

I have always pledged this loyalty to my mother, because despite all of her mental illness and being brainwashed by him, she has always protected me from him and him unlove. She made me feel like I was loved by him, like he was present, like he wanted me. I realized when I started going through therapy that I did the same things to PBJ. I protected her. I didn’t allow her to see the truth of her father. I realize now what a huge mistake and disservice that was to her. It is something I’m not sure I can forgive myself for. I’m trying. I’m trying so hard to fix it.

I left FH, who essentially was my father.  I worked on me. I found love, or rather it found me. Daddy loves me for me and the whole messed up crazy hurricane that I am.  He sees my goals, my potential, the true me, the carefree, spiritual, fun, insightful  kind, raw girl full of emotion and life.  He knows how to love me and he wants me.  Besides my mom, my grandpa who is now gone, my sister and PBJ….

He is the only one who has ever wanted me, all of me for who I am, and doesn’t want to change me to fit his needs.  He recognizes that our needs and wants are similar and that I have goals and dreams and he wants to grow and change with me.  He wants to show me things I’ve maybe not even thought of but he knows I will not only accept but embrace.  He is my home and adventure all in one.  I need to just be able to get through the next few months and keep my focus.  Remember my rules, remember my submission  and rely on Daddy and not be so damn stubborn. Hopefully Daddy will be more stubborn, and kick my butt a little  Or strap me to a wand and belt me black and blue….. Either way… :0) okay, work…. It’s a crap show right now, so let’s see if I can get my game face on and get to it. Another journal later!


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