2019-02-25 journal

So I had a wake up call tonight… I realized I have been saying and doing the opposite.  And the things that have been making me sad and upset are a result of the things that I have been doing or should I say not been doing.  I know, I Know. Not one bit of this makes a lick of sense to anyone but Daddy and I.

So here are the things I have been going through.  Divorcing  a controlling, abusive, narcissistic ass after 21 years. He is keeping my daughter away from the only parent she’s ever really known because he just wants to hurt me.  He even said he didn’t want her, never did, that she was my project, not his.

Going back to work after being a stay at home mom with just mostly volunteer classroom experience, with a few random related jobs here and there when I wasn’t being devoted to my daughter and her therapies and said jerk above dreams.

Changing states because said jerk made it damn near impossible to be anywhere near my state that I loved so much, and the man I love more than anything lives here and we are building a life together.

Loosing anyone I considered a “real friend” except one or two real friends. However never get to talk to them, because they are busy living their crazy lives.  So I went from ms. Popular always having a social life to no friends, no one to talk to or hang with friends wise… And I am kind of jaded. On “friends” right now, not very trusting and as open as I once was.

No family except my sister, but she lives in another state and is going through her own hell right now. Oh I have my grandma, but I rarely get to see her.  Even my mom who claims to be my best friend and whom I was always close with has been close with the jerk who abused me and is keeping my daughter from me.  I can’t seem to get it through her head. So I just don’t trust her. My dad’s side of the family does not like. Me. Much because I’m. My dad’s child. And my moms side, well I have three boy cousins all in Cali. I chat on fb with one now and then.

I have work people, I enjoy talking to them, we have fun, even exchanged numbers and fb buddies. But no one is rushing to ask me to hang out or wanting to get to know me more. Even though I’ve opened up.

In a job that is high stress, and Daddy and I rarely get to see each other or talk…. And I haven’t been sleeping, nightmares and night terrors.

Yes, this is a lot to deal with.  However I have been using it all as an excuse.  I’ve lose me along the way, and I’ve done nothing but blame It on my circumstances.  I have been breaking rules left and right.  I’ve been remorseful, and I cry and I genuinely feel awful and know I’ve disappointed daddy.  I just want him to be happy.

No more excuses…  I have to find me again.  I have missed me. I am Just a little lost, but I am that same girl.  I always tell my clients to practice what they preach, time for me to do the same.  I have 136 days…  But I’m not gone a take that king! I wouldn’t be able to even stand myself! Sometimes it just takes Daddy to knock a dose of hard reality into me.  I’m ready to get back to me….

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