2019-02-23 journal

Today was the first day at my newish job I questioned if I could do this. I was already not feeling well, was put on an unfamiliar unit with people I’ve not worked with before, well, one I have a few times but not normally.  I don’t know these clients, their behaviors, the staff, their work flow.  There were behaviors happening all night long and the supervisor in charge thought it would be a great day for me to learn.  No. I’m all for learning  but put me on that unit with someone who likes to help train newer people with the things you really need to learn. Like the precursors, what to do to calm, how to redirect certain clients, etc. Things that you just pick up on after getting to know clients. Today it was like old Roman times gladiators.  Throw me in with clients who I do t know, who also don’t like new people, who are having behaviors, and tell me I will be their one on one, with other staff I don’t know, and I’m sorry but that’s a recipe for disaster.  That’s when accidents happen.  Not just to my coworkers and myself, but to the clients.

I ended up in the bathroom for 20 minutes sobbing, convinced I wasn’t cut out for this, that I should just offer to switch positions to housekeeping, or something.  I had a really hard day.  I got it together, went to go write out the paperwork, and ended up in the conference room having a delightful conversation with Co workers and supervisors about bdsm, my lifestyle, my relationship  educating about magic wand, sybian, what a submissive really is and isn’t, etc. I was asked by one of the supervisors if I could do a training and gift my knowledge .. Lol

I came home and grabbed my paci, turned the TV on, lights out, Eleanor and Gertrude (Fave stuffies) put on princess panties, fell apart for about 50 mins and started to watch TV and was out in about a minute.  Woke a few hours later had ice cream for dinner, and have just been watching TV. Knowing I have a crap ton of stuff to do, but still feeling like a tightrope walker above the grand canyon without a net about to fall.  I wish I had tomorrow off.  I just want a day to shut down.  Preferably in daddy’s arms.

I hate our schedules don’t synch up.  I hate a lot of things at things moment.  I love alot too…. Just feeling inadequate right thud very second.  Worries on my mind, exhausted, overwhelmed, out of place…. I’ll be okay, I always am.    If I could get good sleep I’d probably be much better.  I’ll try tomorrow for that! As for now, shower and bedtime and hopefully get to talk to daddy…. I miss him so incredibly much.  138 days…..

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