2019-02-20 journal

Daddy and Princess play date!!! So Daddy and I have had this planned for a little bit, but as luck would always have it on one of our play dates something always happens to shorten it.  This time mother nature  The weather does not always cooperate living in the midwest.  we had some nasty weather last night so we got delayed today.  He came over after his Dr. Appointment.  Still when he walks into the room I get butterflies in my stomach like a schoolgirl with a Mega crush on a bug celeb.  Think late 80’s and pre teen girl fawning all over Brett Michael’s or bon Jovi…. Daddy makes me feel in some kind of way.  Whenever I see him I want to run into his arms and kiss him like the first time I saw him.  When I say I love this man, I am undeniably in love with this man in any way, shape and form.  He is my everything.

So Daddy came over and we snuggled for awhile.  I was in a weird mood.  I wanted my sadistic Daddy very much. I have a load of internal feelings that I need to get out to the surface.  The best way for that to happen is pain.  Daddy knows this, he knows how to love me and how to take care of me in every way.  He always has, since the very beginning.  Since the first three hours of talking to me he knew me and figured me out and how to love me, protect me, care for me and take care of me. Even though I knew I needed pain, I have been having extremely bad dreams lately and I also just needed Daddy’s loving arms, and to cry it all out.  A long cathartic, cleansing cry that bared my fears.  We played around for a few, whenever we snuggle, my hands automatically go to his cock to play with it.  I love feeling it, and playing with his nipple ring and chest hair and beard…  I love my hands all over him and my head in his chest and his arms around me while I look up at him.  He fits me perfectly and I am so comfortable with him.  I feel so small in such a good way and he brings me back to center just physically being near him.

We played for a moment, he fucked my mouth rough with one of my dildos until I gagged… It was sexy! Hands around my throat, the growly voice, steely look, breath control, and the orgasms…. I love when Daddy looms over me.

Suddenly Daddy says, “find a place and in Bara position… You don’t have to write, this is your punishment .  ”  I moved the pillows and blankets that fell to the floor with us and flipped over on my belly.  Ankles crossed, and wrists crossed behind my back, nose to the floor.  It wasn’t but two minutes in before I’m sobbing onto the floor.  This punishment was about me breaking my rules.  Daddy walks around me on the floor not saying a word.  I can feel his disappointment in me.  Nothing can make me feel the weight of my sins as Bara does.  He presses my head into the floor with his door and then sits on the couch to watch me.  I start to think about what a disappointment I am.  How I have hurt him.  How he has lived with disappointment and hurt for 25 years, why on earth does he want me when I have been disappointing and hurting him?? I thought that it’s not fair of me to hold him to the promises he’s made me, I don’t deserve this man.  I though about how I created my rules with his guidance and approval, and he relies on these rules when we can’t be together to help keep me safe and to help me learn and grow.  I have not kept up with my end of the deal.  I don’t deserve him, no wonder he’s gone silent lately… He’s begun to realize that too.  . As I go on in Bara, the less I can turn my head towards Daddy.  I’m half naked sobbing on the floor, broken.  After about 20 minutes  Daddy bends down to talk to me about the importance of rules.  He tells me to get up, I stay there and cry.  He pulls me up by my hair, and said get up, you need to get over here so I can hold you.  I crawl up to my knees and over to him and sob into his chest.  He asked me what it felt like with him walking around me not saying anything.  I cried harder.  I said the quiet sacred me.  He asked why, talk him through it, and I couldn’t make the words come through the tears.

For the last four years my ex husband was quiet…. He never talked, I tried so hard to get him to talk.  Quiet means the end.  When I don’t know what you are thinking, when you shut me down for the day, when you don’t give me those opinions and feelings no matter what they are, I am terrified.  That means my feelings and opinions don’t matter. That me and you’re not thinking about me. It means I don’t matter.  It means the end is near and nothing matters….

Okay so it may not mean that in this relationship, but it has always meant that in every relationship ever.  Daddy is slowly changing my views and feelings in how real relationships work.  He’s made me believe again.  When I told him that this is what the quiet means to me he felt bad.  He said he needed to work on getting better.  He said I made a good point that it was about distance with us.  Not being able to be together in the same spot, or even just having a normal courtship during our engagement is so so so difficult.

However, he is worth it. We are worth it, our future is worth it, our dreams and goals are worth it.  I just need Daddy to keep my balance.  I need Daddy to help me stay my free spirit.  When I have that base stability, everything is good. I’m a total free spirited, owned princess.  I’ve learned so much in the almost year we have been together.  We are freaking amazing together and we will be married in 141 days…. I can’t wait to be Mrs. Daddy princess pumpkin butt forever!!

Daddy, I fell in love with you because you loved me when I couldn’t love myself.  You gave me confidence when I had none.  You saw beauty when I saw ugliness.  You gave me freedom…. I will continue to choose to kneel at your feet and give you the gift of my submission for all of eternity or the next 72 years… There is no one in this world I want beside me as I face the uncertainties of life besides you.  I love you forever.  Thank you for choosing me and showing me what real love and trust is.

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