2019-02-07 journal

A bit out of sorts tonight.  Not exactly sure where Daddy’s head is, not feeling the best, exhausted, wanting Daddy, well at least to talk.  There’s been alot said and not really explained or talked about in the last few days.  I’m not sure what he’s feeling. I thought I had perhaps made things better  by understanding some things about myself and why I do some of the things I do. However, I think I made it worse.  Tonight he suddenly disappeared, with an I’m sorry and a bbl. No explanation. Which usually means I’ve hurt him unintentionally , but still hurt and he needed a quick get away.

I have begun to make peace with the date thing, and then Daddy gave me what I wanted, but then I felt guilty.  I still feel like we have to consider everyone else’s feelings   The reason why is because I don’t want to be the reason they turn from him when they are just starting to turn to him. I don’t want him to resent me for them backing away because he is choosing his own happiness first for once.  I’m afraid.

I’ve never been in a divorce /remarriage situation   Not as a child or grandchild of divorce.  No friends parents were divorced that I remember, only my one aunt, but that was after I was married.  I litterally have no basis to know how a step family, step child relationship works other than my ex husband’s family.  And that whole family is just messed up beyond belief do I font put stick into. What I learned from. That back stabbing two faced family that throws each other under the bus any chance they get.  So I don’t know what to expect.  In my mind, every thing was happy..  Both leaving awful. Marriages, both love each other, good people  make each other happy  come together and just add to their lived. Not take over as their mom, but just be there for them.  Just one big happy family   But I know that I wear the rose colored glasses.  I know that’s not reality.  I just don’t want him to ever resent me because his girls don’t turn to him anymore  just when they are getting really close. But it felt so freaking good to hear him tell me…. I know when our happy starts…  I know when we finally put us first…. July 12, 2019.  I cried happy tears instantly.  Just like when he asked me to become his wife.  I want that so so so so much …

Why am I not letting myself be selfish about the one thing in my life I should be?? Again… Overthinking and overanalyzing and I don’t know how to stop!! I just know that I miss him so much it hurts… I need him so much I feel a physical craving… Like a hunger pang… I ache for him, not him sex, although amazing and perfect ..  His presence is honestly what I need in. This moment   His cheest… His arms…. His commands…  His love… His look… His wanting… His desire…. All of him…. I just am a princess who needs her daddy right now and forever…

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