2019-02-05 journal

It’s been a really long week …  I really love my new job.  I adore my residents, and I love the majority of the people I work with.  It has been incredibly crazy the last week, and I stepped up and helped, and it’s been noticed by supervisors and management.  I didn’t do it for recognition, I did it for my residents.

I can’t have a job just to have a job.  It has to have meaning for me.  I have to be doing things that mean something to someone.  I know to little buddy that only knows about 100 words, and is super sick with super crud right now that the extra care I give him when he’s sick and walking halls with him and talking to him means something to him.   I know my rock star girl who helps me everyday it means something to her that I don’t reload the dishwasher after she helps load it. I know that the only mom that we actually have in the building as a resident, it means something to her talking about her daughter…. Me being me and helping in  little ways for some and big ways for others brings meaning.  Seeing them fight through their daily battles and win the little and big ones and help them through the loses, that brings meaning to me.

Even though I love what I do, I am grateful for the last two days off. I am exhausted. Most of my residents are sick right now and I have been staying away from it for the most part, but it’s got me a bit right now. So, I’ve been snuggled with the puppy, sleeping off and on, watching TV, trying to kill this crud. I need to be 100% to take care of my residents.

Since I have been sick I have been emotional. Sleepy or sick I’m emotional. Heck, awake or asleep I’m emotional, but this is more than usual. Just been thinking a lot lately. I now know that I can be independent if I had to, but I hate it. I hate not coming home to Daddy and kids. Homework and dinner to make. Someone to talk to. Yes, I have my baby shark puppy, but she just says the same thing over and over again, but louder.

I hate that I made Daddy take our date away. I don’t feel that security I did when I had that date. I know, I know…. It’s just a date. The love hasn’t changed. The devotion hasn’t changed. The vows we made August 8, 2018 besides a rusty old farm gate haven’t changed. But something in my head changed and I don’t feel the security I once did knowing that the day I become Mrs. Daddy Princess Pumpkin Butt was set. It shut me up about all the other ugly terrible stuff that has to happen before then. It gave me a focus. Kind of like meditation, some people fixate on a picture or chimes?? I fixated on our day, on preparing for our day. Anything could happen between now and then, but a promise was made that on July 12, 2019 my nightmare would end. No more lonely nights falling asleep without daddy. No more not knowing where he was and if he was okay. No more celebrating holidays seperate. No more not knowing his family and friends. No more secrets and lies to others. We would be free, finally to just be us, to be happy, to live and grow and learn and explore together. I could go back to being that carefree free spirit be fell in love with. He could just go back to being my Daddy Dom who can control me and guide me along this journey. I can help him tame his demons and he can help me tame mine. I can be his princess bride forever and a day and he can be my Neverending story.

All I want and need is just to build this life with you… Together… Hand in hand, for whatever may come. You are the only one who can see me for me, who can understand me for me and who loves me for it all or in spite of it all. You are the only one that knows how to love me and is willing to love me. To honor me. To protect me. To control me. To give me the safety, protection, passion, love and attention that I seek.

No one has ever looked at me the way you do. No one has ever looked at me with such love and with such an intense feeling of love and passion before. When you look at me, I feel it. I see it. I know it. I trust it. I trust you implicitly. When you ask me what do I want, the answer is you, always you, because that is all I need and want. You and your arms. Your kisses, your love, your trust, your devotion, your protection. I just want to shut the ugliness of this world away and just you and me… Run away, be us for awhile with nothing else in the way. I feel like I need that like I need oxygen when I am struggling to breathe in a panic attack.

I’ve been extra emotional the last few days because going through my apps on my phone I ran across my old countdown clock…. 157 Days, 5 hours, and 14 mins…. I can’t bring myself to delete the countdown, and it’s been killing me. I know it was me that made you kill the date…. And I can’t forgive myself for it. And we will find a new date, and our end goal is the same… We are going to be happy and have a beautiful life. It was just a date. It’s not the marriage. It’s not our life. We make that and I chose to make it happy. I will marry you whenever and wherever. Just as long as we have forever…. I love you more than I can ever express….

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