A Submissive’s Exploration Journey Assignment 13 (Honesty)

Lesson #14 Honesty Essence
Self reflection is the path to honesty. You must know yourself in order to be honest with yourself and you must be honest with yourself before you can be honest with others.

I absolutely agree with this. Being absolutely honest with yourself is the absolute hardest thing you will ever have to face in your life. You would think that it’s easy because you live with yourself everyday. However you are too close to yourself to take a good and honest look at yourself really. So often we overlook what we honestly need.

For years I thought I had been honest with myself about who I was, what I needed, what I wanted. Looking back I wasn’t. I allowed someone who didn’t really love me and who was a narcissist to tell me what I wanted in my life. He told me that I was happy being a stay at home wife supporting his dreams and goals. He convinced me that what he wanted was what I also wanted. He made me believe that I had the best life and that my unhappiness was all me and that he was the loving, doting, supportive husband. He convinced me that I needed a therapist.

He made me believe I was the crazy one, so I decided that it was probably time that I did face the traumas of my past, maybe that’s what was standing in my way. For three years, I had cried almost every single day. My only purpose for being was my daughter. I wasn’t needed as much now that she was a teenager, I did my job as a mom very well. Now was my time to take a good and honest look at myself and figure out what was stopping me from true happiness.

I found an amazing therapist, and I started out trying to save my marriage, because I thought that’s what my problem was. Turns out once I opened myself up and I started looking at myself and my life honestly, I wasn’t even in love with my husband and he wasn’t in love with me. We haven’t been in love in a very long time. And when I really honestly looked at it, he never really truly and honestly loved me. Not the way I needed or deserved to be loved. Through months of grueling therapy and grieving a dead, loveless and friendless marriage I have been held captive in, I was able to be honest with myself and admit I deserved happiness and a divorce.

That was just the beginning of looking at myself honestly, and beginning to be honest with myself. Daddy just inherently knows me and has been able to keep me honest with myself. He has kept me accountable, and kept me. Wanting to grow and learn about myself. I am ravenous to know more about myself and what I need, want, and am capable of now that I am 100% transparent and honest with myself.

I have always been 100% honest and transparent with Daddy. That’s easy. Daddy had earned my trust about three hours after talking with him. I just knew that I could be honest with him. It was much easier to be open and honest with him which allowed and encouraged me to be honest with myself. There are times when I question if I should bring something to Daddy because I know it will hurt him or make him upset. I never want him to question himself or me, sometimes I just have impulsive or unwanted thoughts. I need to get them out of my head. I’m being honest with myself and him. I’m learning how to not be bothered by certain things, and how to better communicate, but definitely always honest, no matter what!

Being honest with yourself is the hardest yet most satisfying and rewarding thing I have ever done. It’s scary to face yourself completely honestly, it really is. You dont know what you will find or how you will feel about it. However how will things change or get better?? How can you expect people to be honest with you if you can’t be honest with yourself?? Be brave, be bold, above all…. Be honest with yourself. You owe it to yourself, and you’ll thank yourself!

Lesson 14 – Thought One – Honesty
Most of us spent years fantasizing about this lifestyle before we experienced the reality. We had an image in our mind of the “perfect owner”. We also had an image in our mind of how we would behave as the “perfect submissive” if we had the “perfect owner”. In reality, no one is perfect. You and your owner will make mistakes. You need to be willing to forgive yourself and your owner when that happens.

This is so incredibly true! First off, I had a very skewed view of what this lifestyle was. I was very much Anastasia from “Fifty Shades” knew nothing and fairly closed mind at first. I knew what I saw from media and porn. I never wanted to be owned. In fact I was hell bent on not being owned. No way was anyone going to take my freedom and my independence. No way was I ever going to be a submissive… Nope! Not ever happening.

What very little experience I had with it was extremely negative. I had zero trust in my partner. I had zero respect in him. He had never been honest with me. I had fantasized about the perfect partner. Someone who believed in me. Who trusted me and loved me the way I needed to be loved. Someone who wanted to kiss me and make love to me not just because it was an obligation. Someone who was honest and transparent in their feelings with me. Someone that would cry with me and not be afraid to show his feelings and vulnerable side also. Someone who was strong and would carry me through the hard times and hold me through the sad times and celebrate the happy times. Someone that would be honest in general with me and not just tell me what I want to hear but what I honestly need to hear. Someone who will tell me what I mean to him and someone who will tell me he is terrified of losing me. Someone who will promote my goals and dreams and ask me questions and help me learn and grow and learn and grow with me. Someone who will be spontaneous with me and go for midnight drives to the cemetary for a deep talk and cuddle session. Someone who isn’t afraid of my fire passion and my crazy carefree flying through life. Someone who will dance in the rain with me and someone who will take my breath. Someone who wanted to listen to what I have to say and have intelligent conversation with me and take care of me.

I found all of this and more with Daddy. Yes, we are both flawed people. We both make mistakes. Some are bigger than others. Some we hold onto more than others. I always am quick to forgive Daddy, and I honestly forgive. I see why he has done, said, or behaved a certain way. I learn from it and I see how my behavior made him react that particular way. I honestly forgive and I forget it. However, I have the hardest time forgiving myself. I find it near impossible to forgive myself for things. It took me near five months to forgive myself for something that Daddy forgave me for a few days after it happened. I’ve carried it almost five months. It nearly destroyed us because I wouldn’t let go of it. A week or so ago I was finally able to let go of it with Daddy’s help. I was finally able to get rid of it. If I hadn’t of honestly forgiven myself, it would have continued to eat at me and destrme and I would have continued to self destruct and then destroy us. I was testing him. And pushing him and seeing how far his loyalty to me would go. I realized I had to stop. There was no reason, never any reason to test his loyalty and dedication to me. He’s been nothing but honest and proven it to me over and over again.

We will both continue to make mistakes. We are human. We aren’t perfect. We are a couple of imperfect people who are deeply in love and deeply committed to one another and would do anything to make the other happy and secure. The trick for me it I have to allow Daddy to take his responsibility for his mistakes when he makes them. I also have to hold myself accountable and not make excuses. With honesty and 100% transparency I am finding that even though we fight and are sometimes explosive. This is the best, most incredible relationship I have been a part of. I am an equal, even though I am a submissive, I just play a different role in our relationship. My voice is heard and appreciated. I am loved, needed, wanted. This is as real as real can be. This is honest, pure, and it’s everything.

Lesson 14 – Thought Two – Honesty
By going to the edge and back with your owner, the bonds of trust between you are reaffirmed and strengthened.

Absolutely! Daddy has taken me to the edge many times in many different ways and brought me back again. This takes ultimate trust, especially in the way Daddy takes me to the edge. I never knew I was an extremist. I mean I knew I was a drama girl, I was always just a little “extra” in my personality. I knew I liked rough sex, but I had no idea how extreme I needed to deeply feel things. I love love love edge play. I love to test my limits and will. Which has just barely begun to be tested.

One of the things we first started out with is choking. I never thought I would like it, but as we started out little I begged for more. The first time Daddy took my breath, it was the most special intimate experience. He litterally took my breath from my lungs and then choked me until everything faded to black. Then came the sunshine bright light with cotton wood fuzzies flying all around us. Daddy and I twirling around in a meadow. Just Daddy and I, no one else, no drama, just us. There’s faded music, I can barely make. Out the words to sanctuary, our song. We stare into each other’s eyes, and twirl, and arms tangled in each other. The laughter, the pure love, raw emotion, joy, extacy. We twirled in that meadow of my mind for hours and I was so blissfully happy. Then slap! Daddy’s hand. Across my cheek, deep inhale of sweet breath into my lungs. Daddy cradling me in his lap rocking me asking me if I’m back to him, if I’m okay. He’s trembling. And he wipes a tear off of my cheek and asks me why I look so peaceful and happy. I tell him about my happy place, that for hours we twirled, I was in my ivory cotton off the shoulder dress and he was in his blue shirt and jeans…. He said it was more like 15 seconds, but sure.

He took me to the edge and brought me back. I never had any fear, ever. Always had complete 100% trust, faith, and love. Knife play, drawing blood, releasing deeply rooted emotional pain into physical pain. Again, to the edge and back. Subspace. He has hypnotized me and taken my psyche and tied a beautiful shibari Parachute around it and dropped me in the center of subspace and unraveled me and guided me back out. Everytime I can trust Daddy to take me to the edge and bring me back. Without hesitation.

I trust Daddy more than I trust myself. I trust Daddy implicitly. I know he will always give me what I need not always what I want. Daddy knows that I need to test my own strength and boundaries. He knows that I need to push myself to the edge. He also knows that I will also push myself to far and he will always be there to bring me back. Yes. Your bond of trust has been reaffirmed and stregenthened times infinity.

Lesson 14 – Writing Assignment – Honesty
The Joy of Service
What do you enjoy most about performing service?

Two words…. “Good Girl….” Hearing Daddy tell me “Good Girl” makes everything worthwhile. Bonus points if I am on my knees and he is looming over me and lifts my face and meets me with his yummy dommy face and in that voice says “Good Girl”. Instant cunt fountain turned on. It sears my soul from inside on a level that can not even be matched by the fires of hell.

It is the knowledge that I have pleased Daddy, that I have done something that has made him happy with me, that has made him smile knowing that he owns me. That I am his because he has chosen me. I love knowing that I make him proud and that I represent him well.

I am very well taken care of. Daddy protects me, loves me the way I need to be loved. He cares for me, takes care of me. I like to take care of him. I long for the day when I am his 24/7/365 to care for him and also for him to care for me as well. I want to cook dinners together, and wash him in the shower. I want to massage him and lick him all over like an ice cream cone. I want to leave him random love notes on the mirror. I want to show him in every way shape and form that he is loved, needed, wanted, and appreciated.

I like making Daddy look good, because he definitely makes me look good. We compliment each other. Most of all I just love being his and as the worst punishment is knowing he’s disappointed in me, the best part of servitude is knowing he is proud to be my Daddy.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply