2019-01-28 journal

I’m doing this early for a few reasons… One, I didn’t really do a journal last night. I was extremely upset, hurting, and worried.. The few words I wrote was me holding back my feelings from going completely rogue, because that would not have been fair.  I had no idea what the situation was, if you were hurt, if she went crazy again, if someone in your family was hurt  if you were on a call, if somehow I had done something, because honestly I’m famous for that one… :0)

In my journey of trying to be a better person, I am trying to truly think about your point of view first, and to not just go off before knowing the whole situation.  So I didn’t.  Did I overthink?? Absolutely.  In the situation we are in right now, there in absolutely no possible way I could not overthink that scenario.  None. Zero. Zip. Zilch.

Another reason why I’m doing this journal early is because I may fall asleep, because I did not sleep last night. Honestly, I cried. I listened to our Playlist, looked at our pictures, read your writings to me and over thought and sobbed.  Because that’s what you mean to me.  Not knowing what happened to you, that fear killed me to the core.  You can’t imagine the scenarios that played out in my head.

As I have said so many times before, I don’t even make sense without you.  You are my neverending story and I am your princess bride, forever and a day.  We were made for each other, and we were led on seperate paths to prepare us for each other.  Now that we have each other I am so genuinely happy.  They , whoever they are, say you shouldn’t rely on someone to make you happy.  But you do.  Not just because you love me, but how you love me.

How do you love me?? Oh let me count the ways… You take my breath when I think of you, just as the first time you physically kissed it from my lungs and then gave me life.  It’s exhilarating.  It’s that tightness and electricity all rolled into a ball that’s about to explode from the overloaded circuit of agape love that burns at my core for you.  Even writing this I’m teary thinking of the special connection that we share.

No two other humans on earth have what we have.  No one has what happened in that mosquito park.  No one will ever know what it felt like to begin to fall in love sitting at a picnic table while being devoured while devouring a simple picnic while the cottonwood blew around us.

No one will ever know what it felt like to be bonded forever by the events of 131.  Do you know that the moment that I snuggled into your arm on that couch I had already decided I couldn’t go back to my old life?? I knew those two days would change our lives forever, for the better, and it did.  But driving there, the farther I got from him and the closer I got to you, I had already decided to be yours forever. I just didn’t know how I was going to tell you yet.

No one will ever know how deep I feel for you and how extraordinairly hard it is to still say goodbye, even if for overnight, just as it was when you had to lift me out of Black Beauty after those life altering days of 131.  No one can feel that besides you.  When you hurt, I am destroyed.  When you are angry, I punish myself until there is nothing left of me.  When you are sad, my soul is lost.  I still cry and cling to you when we part because I still feel like I’m leaving part of myself behind.

I dream of the day we can make our dreams come true.  The day that we can live our beautiful story out in the great wide open and I can scream my new last name with pride.  I will wait forever for you, I’ve already waited a lifetime…. I know you are mine and I am yours, I just long for the moments where after I’m don’t with journal. I can set my phone down, grab my fave paci and turn and snuggle into you and fall asleep into your loving, protective, and sexy arms.  Soon my love, very very soon.


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