2019-01-21 journal

I had PBJ for an extended weekend, and we had a great time .Loads of mother and daughter bonding. Lots of laughs, also dried her tears as she came to some pretty harsh realizations. My therapist reminded me that if we break our arm and just take Motrin and wrap it and never go get it properly set it will continue to break when. We put pressure on it. The wrap and Motrin only temporarily helps the pain.  Same thing with emotional pain.  If we make it appear better and just “wrap it” and not actually feel the pain to deal with it, it will never properly heal.

All her life I “wrapped” her from the pain, from the truth of what really was.  I don’t doubt he loves her, but he does not know what real love means or how to show it.  He wants to brag that he saved an orphan, he wants there to be this magic bond between them without him putting in the effort.  He wasn’t the one that sat up with her when the. Night terrors came.  He wasn’t the one who sat hours with her to get her to sleep.  He wasn’t the one who set timers for her to show her that I would be back exactly when I said to cure the seoeration anxiety.  He wasn’t the one to figure out how to adapt the world to her. He wasn’t the one who fought for her rights in school. He wasn’t the one who held her and cured her broken heart when she was brutally emotionally and physically bullied in first grade.  He wasn’t the one who made the fireflies into fairies or made the leprechauns into gnomes and still does because st. Patricks day is her very favorite holiday.  He doesn’t write her the lunch live notes and he doesn’t now send her the twice a day check in texts to help her anxiety at school.  He called her “your project, not mine. I only want to hurt you and she is the only way I can hurt you now”.

She can’t see any of this though, she never did.  What she sees now is a dad that loves her and wants to be with her. He’s acting like her buddy, and she is starving for Daddy attention.  I know what that is like because I was that girl.  I bent over backwards for my dad’s attention and never got it.  I got my mom and his by proxy.  And I know now that isn’t the same.  As a mom it kills me to see my daughter have to realize that she is not the. Most important girl in her dad’s life.

On the way back to her Dad today she asked me if it was still okay to live her Dad, even though she knows he doesn’t love her as much as his new girlfriend.  What the hell do you say to that?? And she follows it up by saying that she still calls dad’s house home because that’s what has been her home, but our place is “mom’s”.

Absolutely destroyed me.  The only thing I could say to her is that it’s always okay to love your dad. I know that your dad loves you.  I know that he may not know how to show you that love.  You should talk to him and honestly tell him how you are feeling.  She said it won’t work and I said it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try.  If you don’t tell him, he won’t know.  I know her. She won’t tell him because she is afraid of him and what he will say.  She’s afraid she’ll lose this little bit of a dad that she has grown to love even if he’s just her buddy. She’d rather have that then the other guy back.  She knows as soon as the divorce is fi al and the girlfriend moves in he won’t pay much attention to her any more.  And she won’t say one word about it. And I can see it breaking her. He doesn’t, because he doesn’t know her.

I sincerely hoped this time court ordered away from the girlfriend would make him fall in live with her.  I hoped he’d see her for who she really is, not just some possession.  Why should I have to try and fix his relationship with her?? I should walk away from it, but for her I don’t   Because I know that she deserves so much more   She will see it and make her own conclusions.  She will get to the point I am with my dad.  I live him because he’s my father, but I am guarded and I keep an emotional distance.

I should note she doesn’t say these things to me to hurt me. She says these things to me because I am the closest person to her and by her own admission, I will never lie to her and she can openly talk to me about anything with no judgment.  I know these wrongs will be righted.  I know she will be home, with us, here, where she belongs soon.

I will remain positive and keep on fighting for her and our family.  I will continue to encourage her to have a positive relationship with her father, because I won’t play his games.  But this very moment don’t ask me to smile or stop the tears…  My heart is hurting, I have her every other weekend and then I have to hand her back to my abuser who doesn’t give a crap.  So right now..  I really just need to be held and cry it out. I’ll be okay, we are nearly at the end and I have to believe that she will be home safe with us soon.

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